Finding Joy again and again. Coming out of the darkness.

I have always loved the ocean and it seems inevitable that every summer I end up on a beach somewhere.  This year I was more eager than most to get to the ocean and meticulously planned a 5-day getaway on the beach.  Escaping the bombardment of television, phone and computer was top of mind. I wanted to simply be.

Grief, of course, accompanied me to the ocean.  Grief, ever present needed my time and attention.  Grief will not be ignored or put away as it manifests itself in undesirable ways if you do not pay close attention.

By the time I reached the ocean where I planned to fully connect with grief and with God, I was emotionally exhausted.  Wearing a smile on your face every day. Fighting to keep yourself alive and moving in a positive direction wears a person down emotionally.  Every day is full of choices.  Do I choose life, or do I choose death?   Make the wrong choice and it sends me into a spiral that leads to death.  The choices seem innocuous, like spending the afternoon in front of the television, but inside I am withering.  Creativity and energy are drained out of me.  My mind becomes numb and distant from all that matters.   My relationships suffer and God seems farther than ever.  Reaching the ocean became more about choosing life than ever before.  I needed a connection with the earth but mostly connection with God.

 I rolled down the window as we came to our destination.  The wind coming through the window did some crazy things to my hair but all I cared about was the smell.  Breathing in the ocean air. I breathed as deep as I possibly could letting the air fill my lungs to capacity.  It seemed impossible to get enough of that air to satisfy me. The ocean air gave me hope.  Hope that I will find some peace from the ever-present pain.  The grief that can overwhelm me in an unexpected moment, I am now free to greet with open arms.  God who seems so distant in my high-tech world now maybe at last I will hear him. 

It was the second day on the beach. My best friend John accompanied me on this trip and had already scoped out the perfect isolated beach for adventure.    No houses just a cliff, the beach and the Ocean.  We did not make it far before we had to walk through a deep (deep to me) stream that led out to the ocean.  I didn’t want to go through the stream but John, being more adventurous than myself, convinced me it was a good idea.  I took off my shoes, which proved to be a challenge as I am known for my awkwardness.  When the sand met my feet, I instantly felt happy.  The joy of sand on my feet and then “forging” a stream made me feel 20 years younger.  I was a kid again.  Exploring the beach was fun but I longed for some time alone.  John ventured on so I could enjoy the solitude along this lonely stretch of beach.  I sat directly in the sand looking out at the ocean. Totally connected to earth and sea staring in wonder at the power of the ocean.   The sun was beating down and I felt completely warm with a light breeze rushing over me.  I was here to meet God.

Having been a Christian most my life you would have thought I would have learned to enjoy quiet solitude with my creator.  As part of my healing, I knew God was calling me to meditation.  Spending time just listening should be easy, but I struggle. Finally, I totally collapsed into the sand.  Closing my eyes emptying my mind of all thoughts and worries, I attempted to just listen.  Listening to the ocean I could hear a crash as the waves were breaking and the high-pitched whistle of the wind over the ocean.  Before long I heard something that I had never heard before. The ocean’s roar!  The ocean has a ferocious roar that is hard to describe. It is a deep bellowing loud sound, yet I had never heard it before.  My mind suddenly started to race.  How did I not notice that the ocean roared?  The roar is loud!  Quieting my mind, laying there listening to the roar, the sound lulled me to sleep.  I would awaken and then listen to the roar so oddly comforting.  It was impossible to stay awake as the Ocean again and again comforted me as I lay on the beach.  Fully awake now, I thought about the roar and how obvious and loud it was once you hear it.  The roar reminds me of my own search to hear God.  Maybe God’s voice is like the roar, obvious and loud but we never take notice. My life so unruly with television, phone, computer and work that it blocks out the voice of God. Here is the question that I keep asking, Is God’s voice really a roar? 

Later that evening as I relaxed back at the hotel my curiosity took me to research the ocean’s roar.  My research was fruitless, but a friend shared this passage with me.

Psalm 29

The voice of the Lord is over the waters,

The God of glory thunders,

The Lord thunders over the mighty waters.

The voice of the Lord is powerful.

The God of the universe meets me in my grief in the most unexpected ways.  Choosing life everyday is not easy. I struggle. The memory of the ocean’s roar reminds me that I have a destiny beyond this earth. I am seen and loved by God.  Eternity is waiting.