Finding Joy again and again. Coming out of the darkness.

A Message from Heaven

The timing could not have been better in the summer of 2022 Victoria, and I found ourselves rummaging through a lifetime of stuff in my garage. At least it was summertime, and I could enjoy the summer air in the normally stale, dusty garage.  Boxes were strewn across the floor, and I could barely step foot in the garage. Victoria, ever encouraging, assured me it would get better, and things would start to fall into place. I was uncomfortable and had no desire to conquer anything much less conquer my garage. The process was simple, she explained, we would first separate items in piles to keep, give away, or toss. I sat on the first step of the garage because that is as far as I could go without running into an obstacle. It was a painstaking process and my youngest always seems to find joy in organizing her mother.  Victoria handed me one item at a time to decide whether to toss, giveaway or keep.  We were not far into the process when I heard Victoria gasp.  Anxiously I asked her what was happening. Her eyes filled with tears as she passed me a piece of paper that would change everything that summer…. 

The skies opened and it poured on the day of Josh’s funeral. I like to believe the earth mourned along with me at Joshua’s passing. I wore black from head to toe covering myself with a veil. A part of me had died. An emptiness resided in my innermost being that words fail to describe. An emptiness that has now been filled with grief.

I could no longer pray. The words were not there. It was as if the bridge between God and I no longer existed. He was there waiting for me, but I could not find him. The world seemed dark and empty. I struggled and wrestled silently, not wanting to spread depression and sadness to others; I put on a smile every morning. God was silent.

The aching inside is indescribable. My chest ached and my head throbbed. Why was my son gone? Why had he left me? What had I done to deserve this life?

An excerpt from my diary reads: My heart breaks every day in a fresh and new way. It is like someone punches me in the gut every few minutes and a wave of grief threatens to drown me in sorrow. I am so overwhelmed with guilt and grief. Guilt because I did not take good enough care of him. Today was the first day I started to doubt that he knew he was loved. The one consolation I had was that he knew how much he was loved. Now the doubt has crept in … Did he know?

Days turned into weeks, and I was stuck between sadness and anger. My sessions with my counselor were filled with curses and filthy language. I raged! Guilt was tearing me apart! I was guilty of being a bad mother. I was enraged at myself.  Why had I not been strong enough to protect him? Why had I not knocked down the barriers in our health care system?  Why had I not offered cash to the hospitals? You are a weak and horrible mother. Every day I woke to new accusations.

 Summer came and I had company for the summer as Victoria and Evan were between homes. Victoria and I decided it was time to organize the garage which led to the day she handed me that paper.  The paper was a letter from Joshua which dated back to the nineties.  

His letter started out as an apology for an argument we had earlier that day and then he went on to talk about his special childhood memories. “One of my first memories in this world is from when I was a two-year old still learning to speak. It was a summer afternoon, and you were asleep on a bed that seemed gigantic to my innocent eyes.  I jumped on the bed with you and cuddled with you until you woke up and we went swimming. Telling that story to anyone else and they would probably dismiss it as insignificant. What they would not understand is the sense of absolute security and trust that went along with that memory.” He wrote, “Think about this for a moment. I love you so much that you have been integrated into my most special memories. Without you I wouldn’t have any special memories and my life would be a lot darker. I guess all I am saying is that I love you and hope we will continue to make memories for years to come.”  He then went on and signed the letter “Forever Love, Joshua.”

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Tears streamed down my face as I held the letter. It felt like a miracle, a message from heaven. God had never abandoned me. He knew my anguish and heard my cries, the bridge between God and me had never really been broken. It was a sign of hope and healing, a reminder of God’s love and grace.

Joshua wrote that letter so many years ago and it was left here for me to find. It brought an end to wondering if I was a bad mom. Joshua thought I was a good mom!  I still get accusations, but I immediately remember the letter. 

Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”.  That message is for me, and that message is for you. God is near, he is not silent. You see, I was always meant to find that letter. A letter he signed “forever love”.