Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar room and it was completely dark? The darkness is all encompassing. You try to remember what obstacles may be in front of you. Stretching your hands out in front of you hoping to grasp something familiar that will allow you to get your bearings. Searching for a light. A light that would bring relief and comfort because you don’t know where you are and where you are going. Finally, you find that switch on the wall and you can see clearly. No more stumbling in the dark. No more fear.
Christmas is difficult for those of us that have lost loved ones. We are bombarded with memories and at the most unexpected moments you feel a wave of grief overcome you. We walk in our own darkness during those times, but we have an eternal shining light to guide us. Just as he led the Israelites as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He guides each of us. We are his people. We belong to him.
The first Christmas after Joshua’s passing was a struggle and as my daughter Dani phrased it,” The first Christmas was physically painful.” He had been ripped out of our lives just a few weeks before Christmas. We were still feeling the repercussions of a catastrophic loss.
Our Christmas is full of traditions. Traditional Puerto Rican food where recipes only reside in my mind and in the “voices of my ancestors”. We have a cookie making day, Empanada making day and finally a full Christmas Eve with my immediate family gathering at my home in the morning and then extended family progressively during the day.
I could barely function that first Christmas, but I went through all the motions because I did not want my grandchildren to miss anything. We all marched ahead but I could not escape the pain in my daughters’ eyes.
Dani created a Christmas tree made up of some of Joshua’s books. I watched her closely as she lovingly stacked those books. Observing those moments, I felt like I was observing something sacred. It was just her and her brother. Dani was broken and I could do nothing to mend her.
My children were close. Joshua called Dani “Dani Girl” and Victoria was “Baby Girl”. He adored his sisters, and they adored him.
Joshua was an avid reader so that Christmas we started a new tradition to honor Joshua. We draw names each year and have a book exchange. The book exchange has been an important part of our mourning and remembering.
2023 is our 3rd Christmas without Joshua. The holiday and the memories are painful, but we are mending. Christmas is different because my relationship with Jesus is different. I walked through darkness, lost hope, but there was still a light shining. HIS light was shining. I cursed God and he did not leave me. I did not pray but he heard my cries for help. This Christmas I celebrate the one who never leaves us. He is the light of the world who has forever changed mankind. We no longer must walk in darkness but can choose to walk in his light.
May God shine his light on you this Christmas. Giving you hope if you are hopeless. If you are walking through darkness look for his light. You might hear him in a word from a friend. You may see him in a hummingbird that stops to say hello, a beautiful sunrise or a bright sunny day when you can see mountain tops. Look for him. Look for the light. He is there. The light of the world has come. His name is Jesus. Merry Christmas.
Finding Joy again and again. Coming out of the darkness. 
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